Freedom? There Ain't No Fucking Freedom.

I have been re-reading Crime and Punishment recently as will be seen from the recent post. I don’t agree with Dostoevsky’s conclusion that redemption and expiation are achievable through love,God and religion. But there can seldom have been a tale more eloquently told, for all it’s grimness and angst, than in this novel. It has occurred to me over the years since I first read it, as a student the same age as Roskolnikov, that there is a chamber in the heart or soul which contains emotions beyond shame and guilt and disgust. To some extent I think everyone has to visit that locality at some time. Maybe through grief or loss or examination of conscience.  ‘Let your conscience be your guide’ was a saying of the Marist Brothers who educated me at High School. Examining your conscience is very heavy trip indeed I was to discover. Not enough people do it as can be seen from the state of the world’s leaders and their actions across the globe.

But I still believe that expiation is possible and worth pursuing. There may be a switch in the thalamus of the brain which throws when you feel redeemed or cleansed of the crud of existence. Dostoevsky thought is was there. Jack Kerouac recognised it’s possibility when he wrote : ‘Charlie Parker, lay the bane off me…’ Jack was looking for Charlie to save him. All three men have certainly helped me along. But salvation seems a long way off from where I’m looking now.